Knowing how and why I have felt what I have hasn't helped at all, in fact probably the opposite and has been annoying in the extreme when people have tried to pass on some sort of TV counselling wisdom, telling me how to feel.
Grief, that's a strange conceptual word for the feelings of wanting revenge (who against I don't know but the feelings are there - maybe the world in general), crying ten times a day, the feelings of 'can't be arsed' about anything. But in the end those are the obvious feelings; the one that crept up and has whacked me in the head with a sucker punch is the feeling of utter loneliness. It's easy to say. "How can you be lonely?" and on the face of it I would have agreed - a year ago. I've got my lovely daughters, some friends who keep an eye out on me, some friends who are pro-active and a lot of peripheral friends who help take my mind away by what we do together (play games, surf, skate or whatever).
Not really the picture of loneliness maybe... But then there are the times when I can't say the stupid things I was so used to saying, brilliant discussions about utter crap which one would never discuss in company, moaning about work at the end of the day and getting a hug for it all. Having no one to turn to and just waffle on about nothing during a stroll along the water front - that's loneliness and I suspect it isn't going to go away, and in a sense why would I want it to.
I have always considered the saying, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' has some fundamental flaws to its logic and this year has certainly shown a lot of flaws and not much logic. Why is it people always say. 'It will get better in time' - How? How will it get better, and don't start me on the god crap that some people feel the need to impart on a regular basis. See anger, it's still there lurking under the surface. I just wish that some time in the last year someone would have said,
"Shit mate, it's never going to get better, never, you'll never feel really happy again - live with it."
Because that's the advice someone really needs, non of the attempted feel good discussions, non of the magazine psychiatry bullshit, no medicine, no herbs - just the advice that it's shit so live with it.
So... What have I learnt in the last year, not a lot at all really. Maybe that a lot of friends are not really friends (although we all probably know that anyway), sympathy is only a shield (what they really mean is 'thank fuck it isn't me' ) in 95% of cases, a conditioned displacement activity. What I have learnt is how right all the numerous adages and mottos extolling the fact that, apart from loved ones, shit all matters except what you are doing at that moment actually are... Juni and I never got to do the things we wanted to do but were leaving for later (for whatever reason we justified leaving them) so my one bit of advice, if you have managed to read this drivel thus far, is do not let happen to you. Because you never know when you will be lonely, and then it will be too late.